14 days..

So, 14 days is pretty good, yes I'm frayed around the seams and no...my situation isn't 'standard' but then, whose situation is standard? Everyone's life is different and the things that get me - well I'm tempted to say would make anyone crack up.

But I don't know if that's true. Plus I don't see a good choice here. There are no hills to run to. Getting out is a long, slow climb without oxygen. All I know is, panic attacks do not help.

And I don't know what you are putting up with!

For me, so much of this panic is about wanting to control the future, is a desire, a passion to know that I can make everything OK. And it is a cry for help. But something I learnt when Josh was in his smashing up the house phase, if I display any vulnerability...it evokes the bully.

Facing the feelings, accepting that that sound of the 4 minute warning I feel as if I'm hearing...means DO NOTHING and welcome the bombs, and then floating isn't easy. The major cause of all this remains. So I hold onto the solution: feel the pain, feel the fear and f l o a t....

Relations between Josh and his dad are silent or not good. Josh and he have several personality traits in common, and when they are both in that mode, it is awful. It need not be, it wouldn't have been if there was a way to dismantle defensiveness and aggression, leading to rage leading to stasis and blank...My husband comes from a family that believed displaying anger would lead to despair and devastation. And in his case its true...

This week may well be very difficult. Josh's contract to work at the cafe has ended, and my husband has a week off.