Rings around the moon.

There is one core dialogue that took place in our kitchen between Josh, the psychiatrist and myself that stays...does not go away, does not lose it's power. By then it was already too late. If we had wanted to avoid Josh's suicide attempt, we had already missed the crossroads and taken the wrong direction. Nothing done by the Home Visit team helped Josh or us. I believe their treatment was instrumental in what happened later. Here is the dialogue. The psychiatrist is Dr Cho. Dr: How are you doing Josh: er OK Dr: OK and you stopped taking medication again Josh: I restarted it again on Friday again Dr: right so how many did you stop there Josh: erm 2 Dr: 2 days Josh: yeah Dr: do you want staff to come every morning to supervise taking the medication? J no... Dr: why not? Dr: I 'd rather not Dr: I'd rather not - what's the reason you'd rather not? You are going to take it anyway whether the staff here or not. Staff come and encourag...

And then things got worse. One more bad thing occurred; on the 27th of September. And because I needed to be strong and can't be, things got worse. Not yet at peak worse, yet I perceived only a few centimeters or degrees before that point. And this experience has shown me how easy it is to fall into depression - that sense that there is literally nothing I can do that is right - is confirmed by the parade of tragic memories confirming this. Panic may start with a sensation of falling, insides full of fire, and guts churning as if I'm being eaten from the inside out. But the truth is there is nothing to hold onto! My all too human reaction to pain is to seek help and comfort, but my crying and pleading feeds the inner 'demon'. For me no help will come. That I've named what is happening and the help I need has made it worse. ...No reassurance is forthcoming so my panic deepens, entrenches itself, has wrapped itself around every organ in my body...And when the ne...