Endings part 2.
As you may have gathered, I'm not optimistic...about me. I am trying hard not to see my future subverted into the home-trapped, at best 'Summerland' mod. I've done childcare. There isn't much if any good about my imagined view of what it will be like to become responsible for a broken 23 year old man who has to take medication - to disconnect him from a brain that he is unable to 'gain any control' over.
This isn't like childcare.
Children grow up, they become far, far more interesting and self sufficient. I am seeing this as a downward spiral. And there is my anger. I've felt bullied and threatened, and quite frankly I don't think we have a very good relationship. Actually, the way I feel right now, I've no desire to even try to make it good.
No one is required to stay in a marriage that isn't working...But a parent can't divorce their adult child. I don't see that I'm going to get a choice about this. So, my ANS right now has identified my situation as just about to be dragged into the cave and eaten by lions. I have experienced giving up something I'd studied hard for, before. It didn't go smoothly, easily or happily.
Now I know that the dissociated apathetic dead-zone, leads through a maximum adrenaline-cortisol rage, settling down through fear to normality, eventually.
Service User couldn't get over that spike without smashing things. And I assume that medication will not let him get anywhere near enough to get over it ever again, since I'm with Perls and Jung and Rogers, add Freud actually...I believe that sensation must be brought to awareness. Processing isn't an intellectual experience.
The medication that service user will be subjected to will keep the terror and rage going for years...the theory almost everyone uses, that if we sit down and seem OK we are, isn't true.
Or is it? To be honest all I know is my own experience.
Now we are telling ourselves, husband and I, that we had to do what we did (phone the police) I truly believe I have let service user down. But I also believe that I cannot know.
We did what we did and I'm not looking forwards to what comes next.
This isn't like childcare.
Children grow up, they become far, far more interesting and self sufficient. I am seeing this as a downward spiral. And there is my anger. I've felt bullied and threatened, and quite frankly I don't think we have a very good relationship. Actually, the way I feel right now, I've no desire to even try to make it good.
No one is required to stay in a marriage that isn't working...But a parent can't divorce their adult child. I don't see that I'm going to get a choice about this. So, my ANS right now has identified my situation as just about to be dragged into the cave and eaten by lions. I have experienced giving up something I'd studied hard for, before. It didn't go smoothly, easily or happily.
Now I know that the dissociated apathetic dead-zone, leads through a maximum adrenaline-cortisol rage, settling down through fear to normality, eventually.
Service User couldn't get over that spike without smashing things. And I assume that medication will not let him get anywhere near enough to get over it ever again, since I'm with Perls and Jung and Rogers, add Freud actually...I believe that sensation must be brought to awareness. Processing isn't an intellectual experience.
The medication that service user will be subjected to will keep the terror and rage going for years...the theory almost everyone uses, that if we sit down and seem OK we are, isn't true.
Or is it? To be honest all I know is my own experience.
Now we are telling ourselves, husband and I, that we had to do what we did (phone the police) I truly believe I have let service user down. But I also believe that I cannot know.
We did what we did and I'm not looking forwards to what comes next.
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