Frustration.

As I sit here enjoying a rare moment of privacy. Phone in hand, about to email this post...the process of not looking down, of bracketing, of trying not to notice, is slipping.

Things getting smashed, is normal. I've got used to thinking I'm about to get hurt. I hardly flinch anymore. Later, the fear rushes in like a wave of heat and ice, and then it's gone...

But the damage is done. Holes in the plaster, a box of broken glass

Add a bag of shards on top of the box.

Frustration doesn't fit.

We are getting this wrong.

Frustration also with my counsellor. She seemed up for helping me map my polyvagal states, but then she seemed to start talking about starting with the happy state? And also to ignore my theory that the best way for me to induce states is via computer games. My shortcut to Doom3 with console access for dorsal vagal, and Quake3 for Sympathetic fight flight. Ok, I don't know! But it seemed a good experiment, worth a go.

Last night I read that gestalt therapists don't do what a client asks, so as to induce frustration. At the time it felt like betrayal, and it probably added to my sense of utter hopelessness last week.

Probably the better answer would be to buy some VR equipment with the money I'd save by not having therapy!

I don't see how I'm going to get through next year of my course, because it involves placement. And therapy is a part of my course...

Not that I'm feeling as if everything is impossible. 

Why would I think that?