Capacity...

I don't mean the test psychiatrists use, the one that Sounds like a conversation made of questions, about what date did that happen, or where exactly was that...Capacity questions went beyond me, once I learnt the meaning of stress...

Capacity, as I mean it now is the ability of ex service user to deal with rage. His capacity to stop. We are face to face with his rage...every day. He is a bully, he bullies himself.

And capacity as I mean it, is us pushing him to his limit. US refusing to just put in earplugs and ignore it.

It means we won't tolerate being screamed at as we try to eat. I have almost got used to indigestion. I just stand blankly looking at the cooker unable to imagine even wanting to eat because it will mean feeling like I've been kicked in the belly...So cooking isn't worth it.

I cook from memory.

So capacity.

We push at it.

So, where am I going with this, what am I saying? Just that it appears to me that dealing in a strong and confident way with the too far bullying he supplies, is what we are trying, for now.

But in the day I'm not doing so well. Trying to write next assignment, I just sit there sobbing.

So...this is why the meds. Don't fool yourself that they will help your loved one with his chemical imbalance! No, the original term for neuroleptics was ' a chemical lobotomy' and the benefit was entirely for those who cared for that person.

In my experience, the meds and psychiatrists are responsible for the state ex service user is in, but don't get me wrong. I've respect for those who take that path...truth is, it made things a hell of a lot worse for us.

And it still appears to be the only alternative to pushing 'capacity'.