Twisted Stars Beneath My feet.
OK, you get it...
Clearly we can all see I'm fighting to keep my head above the dark waters...
But so many, many of us are.
Nothing new here folks, move on.
All around this world, people are mourning the loss of a loved one who is slipping away into dementia or psychosis, or drugs.
The real question is, how do I not drown?
What am I doing that keeps me going?
Ha, talking to myself - but it is called 'writing a blog'
Yeah, pass the Resperidone.
What's mad?
What's sane?
Who cares as long as it is not anti-social (is my conclusion!)
Let the conversation (with myself) begin.
What do I think about Summerland...
Summerland was the first idea we used and I hope, we have now learned from our mistakes?
Summerland is where the carer sets out to create a list of lovely experiences to help Service_User begin to feel as if life is worth living.
We went to the sea, to other places...long car trips...
Service_User sat quietly (happy that the CIA or MI5 couldn't find him while he was between places.) So he was quiet and relatively happy; meaning that we got a sense of improvement, both in the quality of our day and in believing happiness and peace would help him to recover.
Did it?
Does it?
Does being happy help...
Well probably, but not really, is my best answer.
Summerland is useful as a means to an end.
I focus on agreement as the foundation of how I proceed at the present....
So to get a 'Summerland' experience, every morning in the week exService User has to:
It looks to me like I have to just suck up the fact that I'm going to have to re-parent.
This makes me very uneasy, I don't feel OK about it.
But the alternative leads nowhere until certain changes (undefined...) occur, until he is able to do the basics.
Summerland is problematic for me for all sorts of reasons, it is expensive. It means we go to places that were once special and happy and have the good memory overwritten (previous post) in other-words, what's in it for sane and 'normal people'?
To be honest not much.
exService_User is located somewhere in 2009 to prevent the empty void of the future engulf him. He is perfectly aware that he has torn up anything and everything precious to himself, his band, his friends, his art...He has every reason not to trust himself. So hiding in 2009 makes a kind of stupid sense...I'm having to re-parent (whilst taking into consideration the probability of some enabling) whilst feeling that I'm a terrible parent, and dealing with my own host of NATs (negative automatic thoughts). Add to that, I really don't want this version of my life, I much preferred the previous one...
OK, back to Summerland...
Well this morning I'm now locked in this room (Ah, I so love that lock) listening to music, writing. There is still all that aggression aimed at me when I wont listen to the constant reiteration of the same lists of 'I should haves' so I give a warning that I will go away unless he can actually listen to me for a second.
Problem.
This morning.
He has completed all the things he needs to only after I've told him repeatedly to do so...
Came down too late by 'the rules'
Then he talked at me (past focused, I should haves)...
So I am here...
So where does that lead the Summerland expedition this week?
Back to Covenant.
Clearly we can all see I'm fighting to keep my head above the dark waters...
But so many, many of us are.
Nothing new here folks, move on.
All around this world, people are mourning the loss of a loved one who is slipping away into dementia or psychosis, or drugs.
The real question is, how do I not drown?
What am I doing that keeps me going?
Ha, talking to myself - but it is called 'writing a blog'
Yeah, pass the Resperidone.
What's mad?
What's sane?
Who cares as long as it is not anti-social (is my conclusion!)
Let the conversation (with myself) begin.
What do I think about Summerland...
Summerland was the first idea we used and I hope, we have now learned from our mistakes?
Summerland is where the carer sets out to create a list of lovely experiences to help Service_User begin to feel as if life is worth living.
We went to the sea, to other places...long car trips...
Service_User sat quietly (happy that the CIA or MI5 couldn't find him while he was between places.) So he was quiet and relatively happy; meaning that we got a sense of improvement, both in the quality of our day and in believing happiness and peace would help him to recover.
Did it?
Does it?
Does being happy help...
Well probably, but not really, is my best answer.
Summerland is useful as a means to an end.
I focus on agreement as the foundation of how I proceed at the present....
So to get a 'Summerland' experience, every morning in the week exService User has to:
- Get up before 8:30.
- Clean teeth
- Have a shower.
- Put on clean clothes.
- Shave.
- Be down by 9:30 at the latest....
It looks to me like I have to just suck up the fact that I'm going to have to re-parent.
This makes me very uneasy, I don't feel OK about it.
But the alternative leads nowhere until certain changes (undefined...) occur, until he is able to do the basics.
Summerland is problematic for me for all sorts of reasons, it is expensive. It means we go to places that were once special and happy and have the good memory overwritten (previous post) in other-words, what's in it for sane and 'normal people'?
To be honest not much.
exService_User is located somewhere in 2009 to prevent the empty void of the future engulf him. He is perfectly aware that he has torn up anything and everything precious to himself, his band, his friends, his art...He has every reason not to trust himself. So hiding in 2009 makes a kind of stupid sense...I'm having to re-parent (whilst taking into consideration the probability of some enabling) whilst feeling that I'm a terrible parent, and dealing with my own host of NATs (negative automatic thoughts). Add to that, I really don't want this version of my life, I much preferred the previous one...
OK, back to Summerland...
Well this morning I'm now locked in this room (Ah, I so love that lock) listening to music, writing. There is still all that aggression aimed at me when I wont listen to the constant reiteration of the same lists of 'I should haves' so I give a warning that I will go away unless he can actually listen to me for a second.
Problem.
This morning.
He has completed all the things he needs to only after I've told him repeatedly to do so...
Came down too late by 'the rules'
Then he talked at me (past focused, I should haves)...
So I am here...
So where does that lead the Summerland expedition this week?
Back to Covenant.
Comments
Post a Comment