Briefly...

Worse, much worse.
Yesterday began with screaming....didn't get any better.
This morning, the same.

I am the person who demands reasonable behavior...
I can't do anything other.
Standing there saying 'go have a shower, put on clean clothes, clean your teeth, you will feel much better'.

I feel like an automaton - at best.
At worst I fall into despair and become paralyzed unable to do anything except weep silently.

Can't give him comfort for something that isn't happening to him.
Can't do 'self soothing' for the person who needs to self soothe..

Can only stand there and say - just have a shower, put on clean clothes, everything is fine...
And remember my rules for myself
My own protocols and ways out.
It is difficult to find those rules and protocols, but they are becoming clearer.

Mostly it involves saying what I'm going to do and why, and what I will do when x,y,z behavior from him, doesn't happen.

Everything has to be neutral and reasonable...hard to do when I feel physically threatened (as I tell myself though, the medication turned off even more of his feelings, like love..and that put me more at risk). I feel threatened, mostly because I'm terrified, full of fear and anxiety but rationally I don't think my feelings are justified. I feel threatened because he is full of rage. But I know what I'm going to do if I'm attacked, I know the shortest route to a door I can lock, and I'm closer to it than he is...

My degree course has begun and I keep on trying to believe that my head is full of screaming, guilt and pain and wool - fluffy wool full of shards of glass.

But each time I tell him 'just go, do what's good'
I agree...
What else is there?
I can see the alternative - it is walking in circles and screaming, blaming everyone and everything, and not doing anything for oneself!

So I'm not following the negative stuff.

And I fill my head instead with...
Covenant
And Unlock Your Life!