Zombie...
Service User talks a lot about being dead and being in Hell.
Well to be honest, I think it is getting less.
Partially because there isn't much point telling us, since we just say 'well it seems pretty good, you get food and a bed and no disembowling'.
Then he says, "it's going to start any moment"
And we say, 'oh well so be it'.
Thinking about visiting Aunty Ex-ServiceUser and the rage she and her dad feel towards the world, towards themselves, towards everything I guess...
It struck me that perhaps Service User has a point.
His rage will eat him up and leave him an empty shell
A body without a beating heart, without love, without feelings.
A zombie...
Why is a zombie devoid of any feeling except rage?
Years ago a dream told me about a spirit that ate people leaving them drained...their bodies clawed away...and this spirit said that it was 'the true Maria'.
Weirdly there was that 'Satanic' aura of fear about the dream.It kind of felt like REC (that's my closest understanding of what people mean by Satanic...)
Both Service User and his aunt have had a thing about Satan and demons.
Maria was a girl in my class at school ...she didn't look angry, she didn't sound angry...Maria seemed sad. Yet the dream felt true, but it didn't fit what my conscious mind saw...my subconscious mind though, was spot on.
I always thought it was an interesting dream.
Now finally I can understand what it was telling me.
So, zombies are our culture's understanding of 'souless'
A zombie exists to to eat, to consume, is always angry, has no reason to kills, is a set of ancient protocols, is pure 'reptile' mind..the effect of the frontal cortex being off-line...[Link...]
In these months since April Service User has told us the most awful things, about things that he did, things that happened to him. I am assuming most of what I think he told me is just my mind panicking...and I hold them all within a liminal space because my heart would break if I really went into them without some kind of safety net.
He says that he took drugs and didn't care if he died....
That in itself is so overwhelming, so awful...
But I ask myself where is the dividing line here?
I have to listen because this is in the here and now, and there is no one else (what's the protocol for finding a counseller for someone else - a person has to want to go to counselling....what are the alternatives?).
If the message is, over and over, I killed all my real feelings, I did terrible things to myself..
What would happen if I showed how much it hurt, instead of being resolute and steadfast?
I think of all the things I experienced in my teenage years and would never have told my parents about, not because they wouldn't believe me, but because it would have hurt them to know..
I didn't want to hurt them.
And this has been running since way before he came back here...
I guess it was all true and literally a cry for help...
As his inner rage began to feed...
Well to be honest, I think it is getting less.
Partially because there isn't much point telling us, since we just say 'well it seems pretty good, you get food and a bed and no disembowling'.
Then he says, "it's going to start any moment"
And we say, 'oh well so be it'.
Thinking about visiting Aunty Ex-ServiceUser and the rage she and her dad feel towards the world, towards themselves, towards everything I guess...
It struck me that perhaps Service User has a point.
His rage will eat him up and leave him an empty shell
A body without a beating heart, without love, without feelings.
A zombie...
Why is a zombie devoid of any feeling except rage?
Years ago a dream told me about a spirit that ate people leaving them drained...their bodies clawed away...and this spirit said that it was 'the true Maria'.
Weirdly there was that 'Satanic' aura of fear about the dream.It kind of felt like REC (that's my closest understanding of what people mean by Satanic...)
Both Service User and his aunt have had a thing about Satan and demons.
Maria was a girl in my class at school ...she didn't look angry, she didn't sound angry...Maria seemed sad. Yet the dream felt true, but it didn't fit what my conscious mind saw...my subconscious mind though, was spot on.
I always thought it was an interesting dream.
Now finally I can understand what it was telling me.
So, zombies are our culture's understanding of 'souless'
A zombie exists to to eat, to consume, is always angry, has no reason to kills, is a set of ancient protocols, is pure 'reptile' mind..the effect of the frontal cortex being off-line...[Link...]
In these months since April Service User has told us the most awful things, about things that he did, things that happened to him. I am assuming most of what I think he told me is just my mind panicking...and I hold them all within a liminal space because my heart would break if I really went into them without some kind of safety net.
He says that he took drugs and didn't care if he died....
That in itself is so overwhelming, so awful...
But I ask myself where is the dividing line here?
I have to listen because this is in the here and now, and there is no one else (what's the protocol for finding a counseller for someone else - a person has to want to go to counselling....what are the alternatives?).
If the message is, over and over, I killed all my real feelings, I did terrible things to myself..
What would happen if I showed how much it hurt, instead of being resolute and steadfast?
I think of all the things I experienced in my teenage years and would never have told my parents about, not because they wouldn't believe me, but because it would have hurt them to know..
I didn't want to hurt them.
And this has been running since way before he came back here...
I guess it was all true and literally a cry for help...
As his inner rage began to feed...
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