Notice.

So we walk back to that line again.
The invisible one 'drawn in the sand'
Between enabling a grown-up child to remain dysfunctional, and shoving them out of the nest - I know that isn't a very nice way to say it, but I suspect that push will come to shove.

At the moment I genuinely can't tell if I feel so ill because I'm stressed, or if I'm actually ill.

Underneath the headaches and nausea I am in total and utter despair; my eyes fill with tears at the slightest thing. There is the despair at what we have all been through - at some point I will stop to process that, but the time isn't right.  But I feel that all that is placed in a jar on a high shelf for latter, I'm in despair everyday because he makes no attempt what so ever to seek help.

It doesn't matter what we say, no matter how many times we challenged his reductive assumptions about how he can't do anything about the past, and how the police are going to take him away and he will be 'raped forever'. This is just a modification of the original 'brain tumor' - nothing I can do - script. The drugs (medical ones) didn't touch it. Nothing touches it - he needs intensive schema therapy or something

The emotive aspect of his 'victim' words are never on his face, he doesn't sound frightened, and he isn't acting as if he believes what he says.

The verbally emotive pleas to see him as a victim strike me with as increasing conviction, as attempts to manipulate.

I have no idea why it is so difficult for him just to say, yes I was an idiot - I spent three months in bed with my girl-friend, taking drugs instead of getting my university work done. Then, I rushed my dissertation - knew it was full of mistakes - handed it in at the dead-line, then had a panic attack (because my subconscious mind was telling me I'd just thrown away the faith my tutors had shown in me, and lost all my self-esteem....

Because that is the real reason why he wont let himself paint or draw.

Anyway, last night he was telling me he still loved Princess Ketamine. I woke up this morning imagining ordering Princess K to empty all her bags before letting her into our home, and if I found drugs, how I would phone the police.

It brought feelings of joy.

I am that angry.

So, right or wrong I don't know!
And no one can tell me.
Which is just about normal here.

Right now ex-Service User is pacing, do I have the energy to point out one more time that this is simply fueling his hyper-vigilance?

Guess I do.
What's the alternative, that I just shut down and switch off?
Let it run and run?