In Sheep's clothing...

OK, so basically we are terrible parents and from now on we have to do better. I'm only half joking as I write that..half of me believes it to be true. The fact that both of us (husband and me) are now both of us angry, we need to get our act together and get ourselves sorted out.

George Simon - I have his book - tells me that I need to set personal limits, and of course...I'm having difficulties in doing this since I'd prefer people to just get on with their lives and no personal limits at all...I don't suppose I really thought I had any until they were obviously broken - the result of course is anger!

Older and wiser, I can see that I certainly do have limits; such as when Service User starts behavior that is unsettling, or when his self recriminations begin, hurting his wounds or giving off pure resentment and anger.

Also I am not very good at noticing what is going well, I'm going to have to work on my positivity...
In truth so much has gone well and improved!
But I want everything to be better...and I push too hard sometimes.

So, here is an outline 'script' that addresses the things that bother me, primarily the fact that Service User will listen and nod, and say that he is trying, says he wants to learn something, or do something...and does nothing! Which makes us treat him like parent birds treats a cuckoo in the nest...that massive big open beak on the cuckoo-baby makes the parent birds keep right on feeding him, no matter how hungry their other chicks are, or how tired the parent birds are.

Likewise we are responding to the passive, helplessness  of Service User with more and more when really we should be directing him towards taking control over his life. So this is my first attempt at working out the right words and attitudes to stick to.This script also addresses what I should do when I begin to see red [go out of the room and let myself cool down].

I want you to tell me what you are willing to do [to correct your behavior / improve your life]...

If he ignores this, I need to repeat it and say:

I believe that the issue of ....is important and deserves to be addressed

And not let it lie, until I get a reply.
But if the mad behavior increases, my limit will be breached and so I will say:

I'm going to step outside for a few minutes. I will come back and see if you are willing to talk to me in a more rational way.

So, that's the start.

Here are George Simon's rules:

1. ACCEPT NO EXCUSES. Don't buy into any of the many reasons (rationalizations) someone may offer for inappropriate behavior. If someone's behavior is wrong or harmful, the rationalization they offer is totally irrelevant.
2. JUDGE ACTIONS, NOT INTENTIONS. Never try to "mind-read" or second-guess why somebody is doing something, thing. There's no way for you to really know, and in the end, it's irrelevant.
3. SET PERSONAL LIMITS. Becoming more empowered in interpersonal interactions necessarily involves setting two kinds of limits on behavior. First, you must decide what kinds of behavior you'll tolerate from another before taking some counter-action or deciding to disengage. Second, you must decide what action you're both willing and able to take in order to take better care of yourself.
4. MAKE DIRECT REQUESTS. When asking for things, be clear about what you want. Use "I" statements. Avoid generalities. Be specific about what it is you dislike, expect, or want from the other person. Use phrases like: "I want you to..." or "I don't want you to... anymore."
5. ACCEPT ONLY DIRECT RESPONSES. Once you've made a clear, direct request, insist on a clear, direct answer. Whenever you don't get one, ask again. Don't do this in a hostile or threatening way, but respectfully assert the issue you raised is important and deserves to be forthrightly addressed.
6. STAY FOCUSED AND IN THE HERE AND NOW. Focus on the issues at hand.This is very important. No change takes place unless it takes place in the moment.
7. WHEN YOU CONFRONT, AVOID SARCASM, HOSTILITY,  AND PUT-DOWNS. Don't back away from necessary confrontation, but be sure to confront in a manner that is up-front, yet non-aggressive. Focus only on the inappropriate behavior of the aggressor.
8. AVOID MAKING THREATS. Making threats is always an attempt to manipulate others into changing their behavior while avoiding making assertive changes for oneself. Never threaten. Just take action. Be careful not to counter-aggress. Just do what you really need to protect yourself and secure your own needs.
9. TAKE ACTION QUICKLY.If you're going to successfully engage them, get a word in edgewise, or make any impact, then you need to act at the first sign that they're on the march. The minute you become aware that a tactic is being employed, be ready to confront it and respond to it.
10. SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. Use "I" statements and don't presume to speak for anyone else. Besides, using others as a "shield" broadcasts your insecurity.
11. MAKE REASONABLE AGREEMENTS. Make agreements that are appropriate, reliable, verifiable, and enforceable. Be as prepared to honor your end of the contract
12. BE PREPARED FOR CONSEQUENCES. It's important to be prepared for this possibility and to take appropriate action to protect yourself.

George K. Simon Ph.D.. In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People (Kindle Locations 1294-1296). Kindle Edition.